


a (holiday) light that never goes out.

by beelzebubba



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: F/F, romantic development, slow burn kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-14 05:04:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13000464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beelzebubba/pseuds/beelzebubba
Summary: a secret santa present, for the prompt "the moment utena and anthy realize they're in love with each other."merry christmas, hope ya like a little angst.





	a (holiday) light that never goes out.

"Stop calling me that!" Utena shouts, rubbing the sleeves of her winter jacket, sniffling as her nose began to run. It was late winter, soft white flakes falling from the sky, some landing in her hair, others on her coat, most sticking to the ground.

"I'm calling you what you are!" Nanami replies, cheeks a faint red from all the layers she had on.

Utena huffs. "There's nothing _wrong_ with my coat, Nanami."

A scoff. "Are you kidding? It's so tacky and bulky, where's the style! Where is the grace! Only a _boygirl_ could have taste so revolting!"

There was that word again; boygirl. Utena was typically a chipper girl, but it didn't take much to set her off. Just another of her many flaws.

"It's just a coat!!! Why does it matter?!"

Nanami pauses. 

"...It doesn't. I'm just in shock that there's actually something uglier than your mug, Tenjou."

Before Utena's ears could get any redder, and before she could even consider starting a physical dispute, a snowball flies past, just barely missing Nanami's face and hitting one of the school walls with a faint shatter echoing through the courtyard.

"....Uh.." 

"What..." Nanami quickly turns the direction of the cause of her near death experience. "WHAT."

Her eyes zoom on the guilty party, who was just as shocked as Nanami herself.

"Ah....Sorry, Nanami."

"MIKI, ARE YOU MAD? YOU COULD'VE _KILLED_ ME!"

"I...I said I was sorry! Himemiya made the snowball, she wanted to see how fast I could throw!" Miki says, half as flushed as Utena's ears.

Six eyes shift slightly to the left, focused on the new victim.

"....Himemiya?" Utena says.

Anthy smiles sheepishly, feigning guilt. "Sorry, Ms. Utena. I had no idea there was so much broken glass in the area."

\----

"Ms. Utena?"

"Hmm?"

"What're you doing?"

Utena glances over, wiping the flour off her cheeks.

"Making cookies, of course! For Santa!"

Anthy purses her lips, just a tad.

"Christmas isn't for four days, Ms. Utena."

"I know!" Utena replies. "I know. I just.....wanna make sure I do a good job, ykno? Get some practice in! I've never been the best at cooking."

If Anthy could scoff, she would; it was immature, she thought, to still care about or even believe in such childish things. At the same time, she almost envied the other, for having the guts to be so carefree, the privilege to be so clueless even with impending doom just on the horizon. And yet...

"Wanna help?" Utena asks, snapping Anthy from her trance. "You may not be the best at cooking either, but you _are_ pretty wicked when it comes to snacks!"

And _yet_.

Anthy silently clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth, her signature smile plastered on her face.

"I'd be honored, Ms. Utena." 

\-----

"Merry Christmas, Himemiya!" Utena announces loudly, tossing off her coat and shutting the door to their shared room behind them.

Anthy turns, just finishing her latest drawing.

"Still three more days, Ms. Utena."

"I know!! I know! I'm just excited is all." Utena says, sitting across from her friend at the table. "I've haven't spent Christmas with anyone since my parents died, but now I have you, Himemiya!" Utena says.

 _How unfortunate._ Anthy thinks.

"Anyways, I made you something." Utena says, placing a piece of paper face down on the small table and sliding it to her friend.

Anthy smiles. "You shouldn't have."

"At least look at it before playing modest!!" Utena says, bouncing a tad in her seat.

Anthy almost snorts at the sight and, as always, obeys the wishes of the engaged.

"....Oh...it's-"

"It's us!" Utena says, resting her chin atop her hands. "I drew us, cus I couldn't afford anything pricey, but I wanted to show you how much you mean to me! How...How important our bond is, y'kno?" She's practically beaming.

Anthy stares at the drawing, probably longer than necessary. Anthy had seen a lot of things in her miserable time on this miserable Earth but she could honestly admit, this was the only thing she could truly call "beautiful." She felt guilty, almost. Guilty for baring witness to such a display of kindness, and angry for the same reason.

"I just...wanted you to know, that you really are my best friend, Himemiya, and....and I want you to know you can come to me, about anything, cus I want us to be good like that....ok?" Utena asks, cheeks a faint shade of pink.

Anything. That's what she said. Anthy's heart dropped at the words as they left Utena's lips, knowing they weren't true, would never be true, and....a third reason that she didn't dare to think about for longer than a milisecond.

"......Ms. Utena?"

"Yeah?"

A pause.

".......Nevermind."

\----  
There were often times when Anthy couldn't sleep, or she'd come home late at night from god knows where, and each time Utena would be there, out like a light with her head down on the table, probably waiting for Anthy. And every time Anthy would watch her for a moment, studying her breathing, noticing how her mouth was open and how the faintest bit of drool pooled onto the table, and every time, without fail, Anthy would get the sickeningly heavy feeling in her gut. She'd kneel next to her, gently moving her bangs to the side before she leaned in too close to her own drool.

"Sometimes," she'd whisper, "I don't want you to die. And it scares me." She'd go on, just barely stroking Utena's bang with her fingers.

"...Because you're a hypocrite, you know. You prattle on and on about justice and human decency but I know-- I know it's all for show. You're just as clueless and self righteous as all the other putrid, selfish children."

She stops, now gently pressing a hand against Utena's bangs as to fully see her face; those stupidly soft features, imagining those big, kind, innocent blue eyes that made Anthy feel so important yet so inferior all at the same time.

"Yes.." Anthy would say, slowly moving her hand altogether and watching Utena's hair fall back into place. "You're just like the rest....so why..."

\----

"Sometimes," Anthy began, as she held Utena's hand in their shared bedroom, their faces a mere 5 inches apart. "Love makes us do things we wouldn't normally do."

Utena pursed her lips.

"Is there someone you love, Himemiya?" Utena asked, those wide, bright eyes of hers making Anthy feel that heavy, sickening feeling all over again.

\----

It was amazing, really. How much different the sword felt when she _wasn't_ on the receiving end of the cold, hardened steel.

"You stupid, stupid girl." She'd hiss, leaning against the other girl, an arm wrapped around her waist so she didn't fall flat on her face; such an act of would be unfitting of a prince, after all.

\----

"....Yes, actually." Anthy answered. "There is someone I love, from the bottom of my heart."

\----

"You." Anthy said, pressing the blade in a tad further, her heart aching at the choked gasp of the girl she'd come to call a friend. "Could _never_ be my prince..." she'd continue, pressing a gentle kiss to Utena's ear.

".....Because you're a _girl_."

\----

"Can I have a hint? Maybe it's someone we both know!" Utena asked, her smile almost cat like.

".....Miss Utena?" 

"Yeah?"

"The truth.....the truth is...."

\----

"Himemiya.....the truth is..." Utena panted against the rose colored coffin, blood and sweat dripping on the red carpet as she did so. 

Truly, there was only one answer, one _real_ reason one would go so far for another, a sole purpose for one to put so much time and energy on one person, even when said person had put a puncture wound in your side and a tear in your heart.

"The only time I was ever really, _truly_ happy...."

\----

Yet another pause; Anthy averts her gaze.

"....Nevermind...."

\----

"Was with _you_."

\----

Anthy didn't recall owning these clothes. She doesn't recall buying or making them either. She clenches her suitcase in her hand, taking one last look at the very establishment she'd never even considered leaving before today, then pulls out the neatly folded drawing from her jacket pocket to stare at, just for a moment, planting a gentle kiss on the poorly drawn self portrait of a certain hero.

Oh well.

"You won't have to be alone this Christmas, Miss Utena." Anthy said, putting the drawing back in the very pocket she'd pulled it from. "Or any other Christmas....not ever again. Just wait for me."

She supposed she'd find the rightful owners somewhere along the way.

**Author's Note:**

> get it, cus the last episode aired on christmas eve?


End file.
